And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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