The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
