I was born with a shot glass in my hand
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
