do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
