his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
