nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
