After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
