worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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