It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
