1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
