Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
