Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
