My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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