If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
