i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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