It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
