And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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