woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
