Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Pants are for mortals
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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