I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
