Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
