You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
