Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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