i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
