It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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