I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
