How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
