I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
