there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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