I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize