im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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