I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
