Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
