our cab driver is having phone sex.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
