youre lurking in front of me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
