Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
