Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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