remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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