I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
