I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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