I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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