I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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