How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
