I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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