apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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