youre lurking in front of me
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My feet surprised me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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