I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
