you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
