this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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