im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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