My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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