why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
